Twelve Pounds

Twelve pounds.  As in the number of pounds I've gained since arriving in Egypt.

As in the number pounds it took to crumple my self-esteem.  Put on in a mere five months.

I suppose I could blame it on the stress.  A new country, a new culture, a new school for the kids, a new job for me, new...new...new.  Chocolate helps.  So does a sweet yummy latte.  Sometimes I'd wallow in cookies.  I've got lots of other excuses.  No place to run safely.  Don't like the gym.  Working long hours.  No time to work out.  Just had baby #3 a little over a year ago.

But I've dealt with stress in the past.  I know the best ways to handle it.  I know exercising and healthy eating are essential.

But the more I gained, the worse I felt, and the less I worked to fix the issue.

I used to be a runner.
I used to be in shape.
I used to eat healthy.
I used to feel good about myself.

I don't want to be those things.  I don't want the best run I ever did to be over with already.  I used to be a runner.  It tears at the very definition of myself.  Was a runner.

So what am I now? I ignored that voice in my head.

Unable to fit in my jeans, I found myself wearing stretchy yoga pants and slouchy shirts at home.  Baggy clothes to work, trying to hide the pounds that seemed to pile on so easily.

Ignoring my health for what?

I used to be am a runner.
This is from my favorite 10K ever.
Santa Monica, CA - Fall 2009
I'm the chick in the "I *heart* LA shirt.

I am angry.  I miss running and I hate that I can't find my stride here in Egypt.  Can't run safely in the streets.  Can't make it to the Wadi as often as I thought.  And honestly, I feel uncomfortable there by myself.  It feels so desolate. So unsafe.  I admit it.

But it's not a good enough excuse.

I have an elliptical in my living room.  It was gathering dust.  I have free weights in my living room.  They were tucked away in a cabinet.

Choices.  Poor choices to be honest.  Feeling trapped by my choices.  And the weight piled on.

::Deep Breath::


That's the thing about life.  So many choices.  I have choices.  New choices.

The embassy is currently sponsoring a 'Biggest Loser' contest.  I signed up and it began two weeks ago with some friends (and the fab hubby) - and we're dedicated to losing 10% of our body weight.  It feels good.  Having a goal.  Having a support group.

It was HORRIBLE stepping on that scale the first day.  Having to admit all those choices I've made over the last five months.  But I was tired of it owning me.  Tired of the weight following me around and dictating who I was.

I work out.
I eat healthier.
I know what I want to be.

Two weeks later, I'm six pounds lighter.  And I know I have so much more to do, more to lose.  But I was able to button my jeans again this week.  Building that self-esteem back up.

The elliptical and those free weights are no longer covered in dust.  I run at the kid's school track.  I hit the treadmill at work.  I absolutely loathe the treadmill.  But it's what I've got.

It's not the kind of running I love, but it's the running I can do right now.  Because I am a runner.

Next July, we'll be in the U.S. for four weeks.  And of those four weeks, I'll spend two of them in Colorado Springs for my Army Reserves Annual Training.  I love Colorado Springs.  I love running Pikes Peak and Garden of the Gods. [I went back and looked at my blog from when I ran Garden of the Gods last year.  It's really a beautiful place to run.  Here's the blog entry if you'd like to read about it.]

Garden of the Gods is some of the greatest running I've ever done.  If I don't run now, I won't be able to run then.  The altitude is killer and I have to be in good shape to run those trails.  I won't let that happen.

Two weeks down, and fourteen weeks left to go in the Biggest Loser.  10% of my body weight to be shed.  Miles to run.  Good food to eat.  Skinny jeans to wear.  These are the choices I make now.

The 1/2 Marathon I ran in 2010.
Almost 2 Years to the date of starting
the Biggest Loser Contest I'm in now.

That's me in the 1/2 Marathon.
I'll be that again soon.