Separated Frequently, but Never Really Apart

Nearly 20 years together.

Way back in March, 2008, I packed up my car and drove cross-country from Ohio to California.  I was in my early 30's, had been married for nine years, and had two young kids.  No one accompanied me on this trip, which would last four months.

The fab hubby had accepted a job with Department of State and was scheduled to begin his nine months of training in Washington DC in July 2008.  I'd been working as an ER nurse in a busy trauma center for a little over a year and had been offered a lucrative 14-week contract assignment in Bakersfield, California.  The contract assignment would finish just before he'd set off for training.

Many friends and family thought we were a touch crazy.  Me headed away from my family for a job for such a long time, only to be followed by the fab hubby setting off solo for an extended period of time to start a career with the Foreign Service.  Truthfully, maybe, *just maybe,* we also thought we were a bit crazy.  Neither I nor the fab hubby liked the idea of being separated for so long.  And we worried about the kids (who were only five and three; the idea of a third kid hadn't even entered our minds at the time).

We especially worried about the kiddos.  But when we sat down and crunched the financial numbers, my contract assignment brought us in the extra cash we needed, as well as the travel nurse experience I wanted to add to my resume for further job opportunities.  Jason's new job with the Foreign Service seemed like the adventure we wanted for our family, and the required training was just part of the package. It seemed MORE crazy for the kids and me to follow him to DC (and other various training sites) for the nine months of his required training, and so we hung back in Ohio until his first posted assignment.

First night home on R&R!

2008 was sort of the marker for the beginning of separations.  We were naive and didn't really realize how often it would happen.  Or maybe I should say I was naive and didn't realize how often it would happen.  Looking back, the fab hubby was honest and up-front about the job options overseas (and those posts we would be unable to accompany him to if assigned), the likelihood of frequent TDY's (temporary duty assignments), as well as the necessity of travel on his part.  I was crazy ready to see the world and in the big picture of this in my mind, it didn't really seem like we would spend all that much time apart.

But in reality, we've spent nearly 50% of our time so far in the Foreign Service physically separated.

Our time in the Foreign Service.

I never really thought that I would be one of those wives who would identify herself so strongly with her husband's job.  But the Foreign Service is really a family lifestyle choice as well as an individual career, as I've personally found.  At times, it's even been a career choice for me.  I honestly don't think I could pin down at what point I started using phrases like "we bid" and "we'd like to be assigned to..." I don't know at what point I considered myself "in the Foreign Service," but honestly it was a pretty natural transition.  When I meet other State employees or EFMs (Eligible Family Members), I always get weirdly giddy and say "We're in the Foreign Service, too!"

Someone missed his Daddy very much.

Today, I dropped the Fab Hubby off at the airport for his 36-hour journey back to Baghdad.  This is the sixth time in his career I've dropped him off at the airport for a flight to Baghdad.  I don't think I could accurately remember the number of times I've dropped him at the airport for his various TDY assignments, trainings, or other sundry travels.  Today's flight marks the end of his first R&R of our year's unaccompanied tour.

Yes, unaccompanied tours completely suck, as I've mentioned before.  No matter how many times you do them, it never really gets any easier.  But the R&R's are definitely one of those things that truly make an assignment like Baghdad more manageable.

We're often asked how our marriage can withstand the test of frequent separations; the stress of moving; our near future essentially unknown (seriously --- we have no idea where we'll be this time next year).  I think those are reasonable inquiries.  It IS hard on a family and a marriage when those things that many consider concrete ("home", time together, etc.) and fundamental to a couple are constantly in flux.

I'm not sure there are any easy answers to this.  Maybe, mostly, it comes down to us.  That we BOTH agree that what we're doing is important and meaningful.  That we BOTH agree that it is important to us to show our children the world, the beautiful differences and similarities of cultures, and for them to grow up understanding they they can make a difference in this world.  And of course, that we BOTH love and support each other in all this craziness.  It's an adventure that we're doing together, just as any other couple growing older together is doing each and every day.  Ours just happens to be a roving adventure.

Jason's had a whirlwind of an R&R.  He arrived home in mid-July and left just five days later with the kids to road trip to Ohio for some camping and to catch up with family and friends.  I stayed in Virginia (I have a full-time job, yo!) during this time.  However, he arrived back here in Virginia just a little over a week later, sans kids (thanks, grandparents!).  Which gave me and the fab hubby SEVEN FULL KID-FREE DAYS TOGETHER.

I was even able to take three days off work leading into this past weekend.  During which we hopped into the car and drove to Virginia Beach for some much-deserved time together.  Our hotel was directly on the beach and everything we needed was within walking distance.  It was completely glorious.

We've been married for nearly 17 years.  And yeah, a bunch of our "vacation" conversations revolved around the kids (we did miss those little boogers, even though we were so grateful to get some solo time) and bidding and where we'll be hoping to head to next.  [It's bidding season, yo!]

But we also talked about so much other stuff.  Of buying that perfect piece of paradise for our retirement (even though it's in 15 years or so!), of my little dream of opening a coffee shop when we *finally* settle down in retirement (ha!), of all the places we'd like to visit (not necessarily to live in), and of past happy memories.  I can't even count the number of times we said "remember when...?"  We talked of everything and of nothing.  And just basked in being together.

Honestly, looking back at all our years together, it's a little painful when I realize just how much time we spend separated.

And, I just achingly miss him. When he's gone, I kinda feel like a piece of me is missing.  I mean,  I don't spend all my time sorrowful and moody when we're separated.  But on days like this, when I've just spent a glorious seven amazing days with him, it is even more difficult saying goodbye.  Today was one of the worst airport drop-offs I've done.  I frankly just wasn't ready to give up more of our time.

I know we'll get through this separation.  Because we always do.  The days will turn to weeks and then the weeks to months.  And then it will be November, and suddenly he'll be home for his second R&R and (more importantly!) we'll be mid-point through the year of separation.

We're so good together, and even though we're frequently physically separated by distance, we are never really apart.  Maybe THAT is what truly makes all of this awesome craziness doable.

Balcony of our hotel on the BEACH!

It was so hard leaving this view!

Fireworks -- the view from our balcony!

Seriously, very awesome.

Together, as we should be.

Admitting the Suckage of Another Unaccompanied Tour

Family selfie at Harpers Ferry, WV.

The fab hubby left for Iraq two weeks ago.  Yeah, I've been avoiding writing.  For MONTHS.  Because I just wasn't ready to put it into words.  Avoidance is a game I play all too often.

It's hard to identify that point when I mentally checked out from admitting it.  And it happened long before he even left for Baghdad.

"THIS TIME it will be different," I lied to myself, fulling knowing I was lying to myself.

"THIS TIME it will be easier," I lied to myself.  Because, you know.  We've done it before and we're used to it.

"THIS TIME I won't dwell on him leaving; I'll enjoy the time we have," I lied to myself.  Knowing that even though I would indeed enjoy the time together, I would still be fretting over his leaving.

THIS TIME.

Well.  This time sucks as much as the last time.  And it doesn't matter how much we do this, it never seems to get easier, no matter how familiar it is.

But I avoided it -- as evidenced by my clear lack of writing for the last five months.  I put on that smile; that brave face; I told myself I was too busy to write, too busy to admit that this sh*t is real. It's easier to avoid it than to confront it.  Because we DO know what we're doing, we DO know that we'll get through this, we DO know that our relationship and our family is stronger than the gaping physical distance between us.  We have friends and family who love us and support us.  I have a job that allows me to work AND be there for the kids.  Win. Win. Win.  Right?

Of course, the Fab Hubby knew I was all about not admitting anything sucks.  Hiding. Avoiding. Deflecting. Redirecting.  He tried to get me to talk about it; I discounted his concern.  All those generic phrases I use come back to me in short snippets.  "I'm fine."  "I'm not worried."  "This won't be so bad."  He knew I was lying to him and to myself.  But of course, in his fabulousness, he didn't push the issue.  Because he knew that at some point I'd be back at my desk writing it all out, realizing I had mentally checked out during those months leading up to his Baghdad date, and that I'd be peeved at myself for having so easily allowed myself to do so.

When he was asked to arrive to Baghdad a month earlier (May instead of June), we agreed -- better to get it going than to wait around for it.  I personally figured that's one less month of dread.  But suddenly, we had 5 weekends left, and so much to do.  A long weekend with friends, a couple days for us without kids, some family and friends visiting --- all of it needed to be done in so little time!  And of course, there's UAB packout and all the great goodness that goes along with that.  Thankfully, I wasn't directly involved with it, with the exception of "Honey! Do you know where my {insert obscure item name} is??!!" For the record, I NEVER know where those obscure items are.

Suddenly, I could really justify the "I'm too busy!" to blog about his prep for Iraq.  Or our awesome weekend to the mountains of Virginia with friends.  Heck, I'd already missed blogging about The Tween turning 12 and flying (Solo!) to Louisiana to see his bestie.  I'd neglected to write about Abby turing double digits in March!  With the accelerated leaving-for-Baghdad date, I could justify any "too busy" I needed to.  Which just allowed me to avoid avoid AVOID my feelings about the whole "WE'RE DOING ANOTHER UNACCOMPANIED ASSIGNMENT!"  Again.

So yeah.  Here I am.  Looking back on the last few months and hating myself for falling into that trap.

Things that suck about this separation?  Already truly knowing how difficult it is to be apart, but knowing that this chosen (and completely voluntary on our part!) assignment works best for our family for what we need right now.  We've moved every one to two years for the last six years.  This year that he's spending in Iraq allows the kids to complete a third year in a school without being moved.  This was (is!) really important to us.  And hopefully, this unaccompanied assignment will push the biding gods toward being kind to us {Because yo!  Bidding for summer 2016 is upon us very, very soon!}  It sucks that such an assignment is honestly the best choice for us for right now.

Other things that suck?  The guilt that goes along with my so easily being able to switch over to solo-parent-Heather mode.  We've done so much time apart (whether it be short TDYs or his previous one-year assignment in Baghdad in 2010 or my 6-months in California in 2013) that we know how to survive on our own.  And, guiltily, there are some things that I like about it.  I like having the king size bed all to myself and stealing the fab hubby's body pillow and his t-shirts when he's away.  There's way less laundry with one less adult.  His alarm doesn't wake me in the morning (nor does his hitting the snooze button for the next 20 minutes).  I can cook essentially the same four meals I like over and over and he won't be here to give me the stink eye, since he doesn't like repetitive meals.  Or leftovers.  Yeah.  Stupid stuff like this makes me feel horribly guilty.

Other things that suck?  The having to explain over and over and over again (with justification) about why the fab hubby is gone for a year.  And the pitied looks I get from people when I mention it.  Now, I know I don't have to justify our choices to others or even explain myself to them.  But, well, it just seems like it happens all the time.  I loathe it.

And of course, the big one.  HE'S IN BAGHDAD and I'm not with him.  It's tough on the kids and it's tough on me and yeah.  I know it's tough on him.

Deep.Breath.  I always feel better when I admit stuff like this.

But somehow I always end up in the trap of avoidance and fake tough faces.  I want others to see me as the strong, supportive wife (because I am) and I don't want my weaknesses to show.  I love our FS life in general, and I want to be positive about our experiences, even the difficult ones like this.  My husband loves his job, including assignments in Baghdad, and well, this is just part of the job -- and we knew it going into this lifestyle.

So here we are.  Only four years out from our last unaccompanied assignment (also Baghdad) and less than two years out from when I was on a nurse contract assignment in Los Angeles while the rest of my family was in Cairo.

I think maybe, one of the the hardest things for me is giving up the "normal".  The nice, awesome, regular family normalness we had for the past couple years here in NoVA.  It's been amazing and I am mourning the loss of normal.  Of laundry and snooze alarms and dinner time and switching off who-helps-with-homework night.  Of hanging out on the couch with the fab hubby after the kids have gone to bed to watch late-night TV and talk about our day.  It's the daily stuff -- the regular life stuff -- that I miss so desperately when it's gone.

It's going to be a long, tough year.  But I already knew it was going to be --- I just didn't want to admit it.

Some things I should have celebrated in writing long before I got to this point:

He's 12!! And eating mammoth-sized burritos.

She's 10!! Where did time go?  DOUBLE DIGITS!

My parents came to visit!

I took my dad sightseeing in style with our BFF coffees!

We took a long weekend with friends and their kiddos.
This is at Luray Caverns.  We then spent a long weekend in Massanutten!

Family photo-op! 

At Massanutten, VA.  His first time riding!

Abby!  With the Fab Hubby and Owen on horses in the background.

All three kiddos did the this course!

First time rock climbing!

That's Owen and Abz on the zip line.  Makes me want to barf.

This happened.  Some friends wanted to wish the Fab Hubby farewell.
We did so with Mexican food and this craziness. Oh, Yeah!

Hiking in Harpers Ferry, WV.

Just gorgeous.

The Tween putting on some parkour moves.

Ah.  Yankees.

More in Harpers Ferry, WV!

I dropped the fab hubby off at the airport for his flight to Baghdad.
And got us some sippy-face action on the way home.
Don't judge me.

This is actually a tough one.
Kellen has been drawing maps at school on "how to get to my Daddy".
(((my heart breaks))) 

Don't know what I'd do without this girlie.
I'm so lucky to have her as my friend AND I get to work with her!

Confessions of an EFM: No Regrets

As I finish what may be my last Army Reserves Annual Training (this is my sixth year of a six year contract), I can't help but get a bit nostalgic about things that coulda/shoulda/woulda been.  You know.  When you start thinking about all the things you *might* have done if you'd done things differently.  Or how things *might* have turned out if you'd chosen a different path.

Tonight, like any other time when arriving at a military base, I pulled my car up to the gate, and handed my military ID card to the very young MP (Military Police) officer on duty.  He scanned it, passed it back to me and proudly saluted me.  As I looked up and saluted in return, I suddenly remembered that once upon a time, I actually was him.  He was easily fifteen to twenty years younger than me.  Had it really been so long ago?

In 1997, I was a junior in college and that winter, I enlisted in the Ohio Army National Guard as a Military Police Officer.  I attended my basic training and completed nearly two years with my assigned unit.  But the summer I was supposed to return for my advanced training, I left the Army -- for very personal reasons, of which I won't write about.  But I will say this.  My decision to leave was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my entire life.  And it became a sort of demon that would follow me around for years.

Regret.  We all know the feeling.  Should have done this.  Why didn't I choose that?  "Hindsight is 20/20."  "What will be, will be."  Truly, we all have different ways to deal with it.  Many of us have ways to avoid it.  Some of us will blame the situation or others.  But it catches up with you after awhile.  It eats at you; it gnaws at the very center of your being.  At least that's how regret followed me.  For years, it seemed no matter what I accomplished, it would still bubble up in the back of my mind.  Why wasn't I stronger?  Why did I make such a rash decision?  Why did I choose to fail?

I'd say I actually became pretty successful at life, despite my Army failure.  I graduated second in my college class (my first degree) in 1998.  I married my soulmate in 1999.  I worked a successful political and non-profit fundraising career for five years before choosing to return to school for nursing.  I excelled in college again when I returned, graduating summa cum laude with a BSN and became a registered nurse.  And during this time, we started a family.  Owen was born in 2003 and Abby in 2005.  In winter 2007, I started my first nursing job at a Level One Trauma Center -- my dream job.  And just out of college.

But still.  My failure.  No, that's really not the right way to describe it.  My decision to quit, my decision to choose failure --- it haunted me.  The fab hubby knew this about me.  He's known this about me for as long as he's known me.  It was while I was in the Army that we had met, nearly ten years before in 1997, in that very Army National Guard unit.  He was there when I chose to leave the Army.  And he knew how much I hated this about myself.  He told me regret was a terrible burden to live with and that it would never stop unless I chose to do something about it.  It was a harsh reality, but he was obviously right.

Life, as usual, was pretty crazy at the time.  He himself had recently left a job and was a stay-at-home dad. We were in the middle of my new career in the ER, with two young children, and he was trying to decide what he wanted to do.  He and I had discussed a job he read about online with the State Department.  It was so different from what we knew.  Sure, he had travelled abroad as a teen and young adult, but I had never been outside of the U.S., except for a day trip to Mexico when I was very young and I lived in Arizona with my parents.  It frankly made me nervous.  Anyway, we'd been living in Ohio in a house we had purchased just after getting married.  We'd already established a life together, with friends, near our families.  Owen, our oldest, was nearing kindergarten.  But what we had wasn't exactly what we wanted.  It was time for a change, for all of us.  We read a bit about living overseas and wondered if maybe it was the fit we were looking for -- for our family.

And still, in the midst of all these possible changes, the regret from my chosen failure in the Army followed me.  It was pretty obvious what I needed to do to overcome this regret.  I had to rejoin the Army.  By this point, it had been nearly ten years since I'd left the Army National Guard.  Ten years of regret.  And as one can imagine, it's not particularly easy getting back into the Army when you've left it before your enlistment period is over.  To put it mildly, I hadn't left under the best of circumstances, either.  There were papers to sign and appointments to go to and people to talk to.  And through it all, the fab hubby encouraged me.

In September 2007, I took my Oath of Office and received my commission as a Second Lieutenant in the Army Reserves Nurse Corps.  I'll never forget how it felt that day, when I took that Oath.  Because that was the day that regret no longer owned me.  That I was able to respect myself again, despite the poor choice I'd made ten years before.  The Oath I took that day in September 2007 was one of the best decisions I'd ever made in my life.  This September will mark the end of my contract with the Army, and I'm proud to say that I made it to my personal career goal when I was promoted to Captain in October 2012.

But, getting back to the past.  In summer 2008, Jason started his training for the State Department job we'd discussed.  We were making the leap into a whole different lifestyle and an entirely new career for him!  In March 2009, after he completed nearly nine months of training in D.C. (during which the kids and I had stayed in Ohio), we moved to his first assignment - at the Los Angeles field office.  As nursing is a relatively mobile career, I found a job at a nearby ER working afternoons.  But my work schedule and the fab hubby's work schedule didn't always meld well together.  I worked 12-hour days with alternating weekends.  He worked 10-hour days and could be sent traveling for a few weeks at anytime.  It took work.  It took commitment.  It took an au pair living with us to help with our two young children!  But those were all the best choices for our family.

Bidding season rolled around quickly, and after many discussions, the fab hubby bid on a hardship assignment.  He was paneled and after just one year in Los Angeles, we moved back to Ohio while he went on to D.C. for training and then to Baghdad for his assigned one-year UT (Unaccompanied Tour).  Honestly, this was hard for me.  I never wanted to return to Ohio -- it's hard enough leaving 'home' the first time, and returning just a year later brought on questions by all those people we'd just left.  Plus, I was pregnant with our third child, who was due just two months after the fab hubby left for Baghdad.  Thing is, that as hard of a decision as it was, it was the right decision for our growing family.  And although that year was terribly difficult,  I regret none of those decisions we made.

For as much as the fab hubby supports me and my career choices, I support him and his.  We've spent many long nights discussing how our careers would shape our and our children's lives.  How would moving affect them in the long run?  How would I be able to perform the requirements of my Army Reserves contract when we were assigned overseas?  How would I be able to work during a UT?  What would we do for childcare?  Additionally, my career -- sure, it's mobile, but what about an advancing career? Because we move frequently, I will never be at one facility long enough to be promoted to charge nurse, to nurse manger, to administration.  This has truly been a hard one for me to let go, because at one point, I had visualized myself doing all those things in a hospital setting.

But these are choices WE made, and we made them together.  When my husband accepted the job, I knew it would affect not only our family's lifestyle, but my career.  I didn't blindly jump into the Foreign Service with him and assume that my career path would remain the same as it had been in the U.S. These were discussions we'd had many, many times before he accepted the job offer and many, many times since.  The State Department didn't ruin my career.  We chose this lifestyle and understood what it would mean to my career when we moved overseas or to another state in the U.S.

In the past seven years, we've moved four times.  And I'm not counting the six months I spent solo in California, or the hubby's packout and travel to/from Baghdad.  I'm talking just the number of times we've packed up the kids and moved! And every move, every bid, every job choice (whether his or mine) -- we have to discuss.  We have to make the hard choices.  We have to make the right choices.  It's a give, it's a take, it's a compromise.  And if it turns out not the be the best choice, we return to the conversation and keep with it until we can find the right choice.  No regrets.

Occasionally, I'll hear a fellow EFM (Eligible Family Member) talk about how the State Department ruined their career.  And honestly, that's not a fair statement.  No one should come into this lifestyle as an EFM and expect what they had in their former U.S. lives, especially their careers, to be the same.  And I'm always shocked when I hear the harsh accusations.  But when I think about it, I realize that often those statements aren't really about the State Department -- those statements are really about regret.  Regret of giving up a career?  Regret of pulling children out of school?  Regret of getting to a post and not enjoying it?  I don't know exactly WHAT kind of regret, but it's regret.

It's often pointed out to me that nursing is an "easy" career to keep as an EFM in the State Department, and that I will "always" be able to find a job.  And frankly, this is one of those statements that makes me flaming mad.  It is NOT an easy career to keep up with.  In fact, I left Egypt six months ahead of my family, so that I could renew some specialty ER RN certifications that were expiring and to keep my ER work experience recent.  Because after you've been out of the game for a long period of time, you're no longer considered an ER nurse.  Trust me.  I've spoken to other EFM nurses who couldn't find jobs back in the U.S. after living overseas because they didn't have their licenses or certifications up-to-date, much less any experience for the years they were overseas.  But that's where I get back to regret.  To maintain my career, I have to work diligently to keep up with it in this nomadic lifestyle.  It's a choice I make and I reevaluate it all the time -- and not just on my own, but with my husband.

Of course, these personal choices are often harshly judged by others.  For instance, last year when I left post ahead of my family.  There were those who said "Well, I could never leave my family for six months."  Well, ok.  That's a decision you make.  And it's different from the one I was willing (AND the fab hubby was willing) to make to maintain my career.  Additionally, it was a decision we made for my renewed military career, too -- because at the end of that solo six-month Los Angeles ER contract assignment, I traveled to Colorado for annual training to fulfill my requirements with the Army Reserves.  ALL of this was a hardship for my husband and our kids; heck, it was a hardship for me.  But ALL of this was a decision we made together, and despite the difficulty of it, it was the best decision for us.  No regrets.

Now I'm not saying that every EFM who wants to work at a post is going to find a job.  I get that.  And I have plenty of friends who have had a difficult time finding a position at their spouse's post, or have had a difficult time getting background checks completed, etc.

I've also had many friends who took positions they were either overqualified for, or positions that they didn't find particularly exciting -- but who really wanted to work, and they were comfortable with the jobs available.  And likewise, I've had friends who decided they'd prefer to be a stay-at-home parent or spouse than take a position that didn't really excite them.  Or who really wanted to be a stay-at-home parent or spouse, no matter where they were posted.  All of those choices are hard to make, but those are all personal choices.  And any of those choices can be right or wrong -- it just depends on the individuals involved.  But I stand by every one of my friends' decisions to do any of the above, so long as they really feel it is the best choice for them and their families.  And like me, many of them are constantly reevaluating these decisions with their families and spouses, especially if it turns out to not be what was expected or hoped for.

 But I am always very weary when I hear "the State Department ruined my career."  If you are truly unhappy and find you regret what you left behind, or if you are just generally unhappy with the FS lifestyle, then sit down and reevaluate the choices you've made with your spouse.  There are other solutions.  They may be hard choices -- I can actually promise you that they likely will be -- but regret is by far worse.

As an EFM, I know that the choices my husband and I have made strongly impact my career (and his as well!).  I know that my career will never be the career I thought I'd have if we'd lived in the same place long-term in the U.S.  And honestly, I've come to terms with it.  Because if I didn't accept this, then I wouldn't have agreed with the fab hubby in the first place to jump into this lifestyle!  But the compromises we've made, the choices we make --- we're comfortable with them. What we wanted was to see the U.S. and the world, for our children to experience different cultures, to take a grand adventure.  THAT is the biggest, all-encompassing choice we made.  All the rest have been details and compromises and changes based on that choice.  But I can honestly say, no regrets.

It was Better Than Prom and Dude!! We Know Our Next Assignment!

Just like prom.  But better!

If you're posted at a U.S. Embassy somewhere in the world, then you probably have some Marines.  Here in Cairo, we have a fairly large Embassy and hence a good-sized Marine Security Guard.

So of course, that means celebrating the Marine Corps 237th Birthday!  Yes, we went to the Ball.  And yes, it was awesome.  In fact, it was way better than prom ever was.

I mean, I already had a date lined up!  I didn't have to wait to be asked or ask someone to go to the dance with me.  No awkward end-of-the-night do we kiss?! or just hold hands?! moments.  And my parents totally approved of this guy a long, long time ago.

Plus, I hardly ever break out any more, so I didn't have to fret over any zits.

I took an entire day off of work to get my pretty on.  Nails, brows, lunch with a friend.  I had bought my dress last summer when we were in the U.S. on R&R.

View from the hotel!

We asked our fabulous nanny to spend the night with the kids (!!!  YES!  NO KIDS FOR LIKE 24 hours!!!) and we got a hotel near the embassy with some friends.

Here's what we celebrated:

The Marines!  Looking mighty, mighty fine.  Happy Birthday!

 And who we celebrated with:

Out with our friends.  Wait! Wrong spouses!!

Nope.  That's not quite right, either!

Yes!  Me with the fab hubby and our friends Dave and Krista.

Sparkly!  Sassy.

Girls just wanna have fun.

Dessert.  Always my favorite.

Fab hubby is some mighty fine arm candy. 

That's us.  Being adults.  We made it all the way to 11:00PM before
we left the party.  What can I say?  We're old.

What I failed to mention before writing all about the fabulousness of our night is that earlier in the day we found out where we're headed in Summer 2013, when we finish our Cairo tour.  The fab hubby accepted a handshake to:

Yes!  We're headed back to the good ol' U.S. of A.  Someone, please call Starbucks.  Let them know I'm coming back.  Plan for now is two years in Washington, D.C.  But, of course, y'all know how that can change.  And for all my friends out there who are still bidding, I'm thinking about you.  Bidding season is no fun.

Know what is fun?  Coming home the day after the Marine Ball. All relaxed and rejuvenated.  Especially when you find out the toddler didn't sleep but a few hours the night before.  And when we walked into the house, we found this:

Dang.  He's so sweet when he's sleeping.

"Nipped" in the Blog

This week, the blog written by my dear friend Jen Dinoia was axed off an officially-sponsored Foreign Service blog roll.  A list in which she was asked by an online specialist to be on at it's creation.  However, the new community specialist in-charge opted to remove her blog from the list last week.  No notice given.  Evicted.

Jen, she's amazing.  In 2009, when my husband was hired with State and I officially became a trailing spouse/EFM, Jen was one of the first spouses I "met" ---  she moderates one of yahoo groups I joined and we emailed back and forth.  And then I read her blog - which I poured over, reading entry after entry and even thinking "gosh, Iceland sounds great!"  If you know me, you also know that I passionately hate snow and cold and icy weather.  But her experiences made me think that it might be worth going there someday.

Her husband was gearing up for an AIP (Afghanistan/Iraq/Pakistan) assignment just as mine was. And then, while her husband was in Iraq, she found out she had breast cancer.  Her husband flew home immediately, she went through tons and tons of treatment.  All through her ordeal, she blogged.  She blogged about her worries about how this would affect their next assignment, her husband's career (yes, medical clearances and icky stuff like that DO affect careers - since they affect where employees with families can be posted), and how their children were handling everything from the abrupt changes to Mom's cancer.  And now her husband is taking another AIP assignment, which she's also blogged about.  She's blogged about cancer, treatment, pain, healing.  She's blogged about the FS community reaction and support.

Come to think of it, Jen's a big reason why I began blogging in the first place.  The fab hubby was in Iraq and I needed a way to vent.  Her blog is so personal and so detailed - you feel you know her when you read it.  And I realized I wanted an outlet like that.  So here I am - having blogged about my experiences with an unaccompanied assignment, our subsequent assignment to Egypt, everything it took to get us here, and our experiences here in Cairo.  But I also blog about running, my family and pets, and my military service.  Not just FS stuff.  Same as Jen - not just FS stuff.

So back to the missing blog roll link.

Here's the response Jen got when she asked "Hey!  Where's my blog?":


Hopefully, you can understand that some topics covered in your blog are very personal in nature, e.g. nipple cozies, and wouldn’t necessarily resonate with the majority of potential candidates who are interested in learning about the FS life overseas. Through our years of recruitment experience, we found that FS prospects want to learn more about the work that’s conducted, the people and cultures with whom they will interact, the travel experiences, and the individual stories our employees* have to share.


Jen's blog was deemed not Foreign Service enough.  Which is complete and total BS.

Because personal stories are exactly what people are looking for when considering this lifestyle - whether it be potential employees or trailing spouses/EFMs.  I actually know this because I get contacted by people through my blog asking me questions about FS life - and I ALWAYS get the most questions whenever I post something very very personal (for instance - when I questioned my happiness here in Cairo, or when I was really struggling with my husband being in Iraq).

Jen is the epitome of the greatness of this nomadic life.  She is heavily involved in AFSA, multiple yahoo boards, and DC-area FS groups, like the Unaccompanied Tour support group.  She helped me to organize the DS Spouse's Run the World 2011 event.  Her blog is a wealth of knowledge and experience and it is downright wrong that it was removed from the blog roll.

Let's be honest here.  It wasn't removed because it's not FS enough.  It was removed because the person reading the blog and making decisions was uncomfortable with breast cancer and nipples and how it fit in with the FS life.  It's a slap in the face to Jen and everything she's been through and everything she's dedicated herself to in FS.  Haven't her boobs caused her enough pain in the past year without having this ridiculous issue come up?  Do judgements really need to be made about her blog on the basis of the word nipple?

If there's anything I've learned in my short time in the FS, it's that just about anything goes.  The FS is certainly capable of handling nipples.  It's asinine that her blog was removed in the first place.

I hope the community specialist in charge of the blog roll out there realizes how many of us support Jen, her blog, and her nipples.

Want to read more about our support for Jen?  Here are some other FS Bloggers writing their support!
Nipplegate 2012
Not FS Enough
Nipples, Nipples, Everywhere
Nippletastic: A Rant for FS Bloggers
What Makes a Blog an FS Blog
It's the Little Things
Nipples! Boobs!

**************************************************
UPDATE!!  As of 5/17/12, Jen's blog, was back on the official blog roll.  Take a look at her blog's posting and see how everything came together!

A Balancing Act

Two weeks ago, a friend texted me:  "I just saw Kellen take 11 steps!"  I was at work.  And I cried.  Just a little, but I still cried.  Of course, I was proud of my little guy, working so hard to move that chubby little body, trying to find his balance, taking those tentative first running steps.  He'd been taking a few steps here and there, but until that moment, had not managed to get very far.  And I missed it.  My heart ached.

And then my mind started to go through all the other family things I've been missing out over the past few months that we've been in Cairo.  I've only been to the big kids' school a handful of times; I had volunteered to work the Halloween party for the big kids' classes and then wasn't able to make it to the meetings; I had planned on taking the baby in the jogging stroller for a run at a local track (some of my favorite times in the States with my little guy have been out running; he's the best running buddy), and hadn't yet found the time to do so.  All of the mundane tasks like grocery shopping and haircuts and errands have to be done on weekends, and it really eats into our family time.  And so on and so on and so on...

Please, don't get me wrong.  I love my job; I love being a nurse, and I've worked hard for my career.  But finding that just right work/life balance is hard, really hard.  I want it all - work and kids and free time and lots of time with my hubby.  But it seems I can't have it all, at least not all at once.  Maybe it's time to admit that, and find a middle ground?  I was lucky enough the last few years working in Ohio - I worked ER and had a very flexible schedule, working 2-3 days per week.  Good time with the kids, good time at work.  Only one thing lacking during that time - the fab hubby was in Iraq.  But on his home leaves?  I still worked the ER gig; it was a good balance between work and life.

My new job here in Cairo is fantastic.  I had always hoped I'd be lucky enough to find an RN position with the State Department, as we follow Jason's job throughout the world.  This is our first assignment, and I couldn't believe it when I heard there was an RN posting! I was even happier when I got hired. Things have really come together well here for us.  It's a great nursing position for me; different from ER, but it incorporates all of the things I love about nursing.  I get more time to sit down and really listen to patients and to teach.  I've learned so much about immunizations and all the gross buggies we work to keep the community from acquiring.  I deal with more pediatric patients then I did in the ER, and I love pediatrics.  Of course I do!  I wouldn't have my own kids if I didn't love kids, right?

Which brings me back to the work/life balance.  I miss the kids.  I miss getting them off to school in the morning and seeing them step off the bus at the end of the day; I miss getting involved in their activities and helping out with all the parenty-things at the school.  And the baby.  He's already one.  And I missed those eleven steps!  How could eleven steps mean so much?  They just do.

It's a hard balance - being a mommy, a wife, and fitting in a career.  Lots of debate by many, lots of choices to be made.  I know there's no right or wrong - I never ever judge one mommy's choice to stay at home with her kiddos, and I never judge another for her choice to work full-time. You have to do what's best for you and what's best for your family.  Except for my choice.  I always judge my own choice.  Why am I so much harder on myself and so understanding of others?  Why do I feel like I have to do it ALL and do it all right now?  Why don't I just sit back, relax and admit what I really want right now?  Do I even know what I want right now?  Yes.  I do know.  I want some more time with my kiddos and hubby but still have my career.  Can I find that balance here in Cairo?

Turns out there's a silver lining here, a sort of fairy-tale ending to my current work/life balance story.  And it turns out that it's not an all or nothing deal!  This week, my work offered me the chance to reduce my schedule to part-time, three days per week, and I actually jumped on it. Jumped for joy all over that offer! Giving me the time I really want at home, and still allowing me to do the job that I love.

Now that I think about it, it was not quite a year ago that I mulled over my nursing career, wondering if my next move might be school for my Master's or becoming a Nurse Practitioner, or if I'd even be able to find a job overseas.  Well, I found a job, one that I really love here in Cairo.  At the time I wrote that blog entry, I hadn't even thought about the work/life balance issue, because at the time, it was really a non-existent issue. I had a great work/life balance.  So, while I don't know what the NEXT chapter in my nursing career might be (Master's? Nurse Practioner? Another RN gig overseas?) I do know what my current career offers me, and I like it.  I'm really excited to get more time with my family AND continue my new job with the State Department.

Somehow, things have a way of working themselves out just right and at the moment I needed it most.  I can't wait to be there for Kellen's next eleven steps.

More time for tire swinging at the kiddos' school.

More time to hang out with this little guy!
Getting to watch him take those important steps.

[Somehow] It Ended Up Exactly As Planned

Spending a stress-free moment with the little man.

After a bit of a snag, and a whole lot of worry, our passports and visas arrived via FedEx today.  No fanfare; no cheering.  In fact the FedEx dude casually dropped the package on our front porch without even a knock on our door.  Which, in hindsight, was probably a good move on his part - had he knocked, I likely would have opened the door, burst into tears and covered him with sloppy kisses while chanting "thank you thank you thank you!"

Turns out that it's not uncommon for visa stamps to hiccup along the way to their final destination (that would be to our passports and then to us).  But without that stamp, we couldn't have entered Egypt legally.  I spent a few afternoons last week calling special issuance and asking them eagerly if they'd heard from the Egyptian Embassy about our visas.  Much to their credit, they were incredibly patient with me, explaining the process and letting me know that sometimes it takes a bit longer than usual.  I panicked and emailed some spousey DS friends, who confirmed all of what special issuance told me.  

But me and my type-A-psychotic-need to have it all done exactly the way we planned got the better of me. If the visas didn't process in time, we'd have to change our travel dates. 

CHANGE OUR TRAVEL DATES? It screamed over and over in my head.  

How can that be? We have to leave on the day already set - we have someone moving into our house literally the day we are scheduled to fly out.  And packout is just two days before we fly-out.  Everything needs to occur precisely along the timeline we've established.

UNACCEPTABLE! It screamed over and over in my head. And over and over and over.

I was sick, nauseous, couldn't sleep.  I felt as though we had lost control over everything we had worked so hard to get in order.  It's hard planning this so far away from Main State - we haven't done it before, and everything is new to us and takes probably three times as long to figure out.  (Maybe we'll look back at this on our next move and laugh?!).  Where would we go for that time while we waited - a hotel?  But we wouldn't have a car?  We'd need a rental.  But I'm supposed to start work the 11th in Cairo; I'd already put in my notice at work in Ohio.  How would we get the kids to school here in Ohio if we weren't in the district (because of the hotel)? When would we find out when we actually could fly out? How would I get the dog's international travel papers re-vouchered since it has to be 14-days or less before flying, if we only had a few days notice?!  This is only a small sampling of the questions reeling through my mind.

Somehow I'd forgotten that things have a way of falling together.  Everyone told me to relax, that most likely they'd arrive in time for our set plans, and if not we'd figure everything out.  It always works out that way in the end.  But I couldn't accept it.  I couldn't let it go.  The feeling of losing of control over everything suddenly was overwhelming, suffocating.

I wish I could say I did just got over it and accepted things the way I should; that I found I could let go and not be so perfectly in control over every detail to the way I envisioned it.  But I'll never know if that is ultimately how I'd respond (although I truly hope it would be).  Because we got an email yesterday about the visas stamps being en route to our home via FedEx.  Which arrived so very quietly today.

*Happy Dance* 

Now our plans continue along the path we set, and things seem to be coming together the way we planned.  I know that I need to figure out a way to deal with things like this because honestly, these are the kind of things that are likely to happen multiple times over the span of our FS moves and the hubby's career.  Maybe next round of visas and packout planning...I'll learn to let things just...be.

But I'm going to have to save that for next round.  

Having been able to [finally] relax, I asked the fabulous hubby to take the kids and me to the lake today for a nice afternoon in the sun.  He was just glad to have me NOT asking questions about our upcoming move and enjoying something other that the arrival of our passports with visa stamps.  I was, too.