A Happy Reunion with the Big Kidlets

No tears (although it was hard).  Kiddos traveled unaccompanied for the
first time!  They're already travel pros and did just fine on the five-hour flight.

I'm exhausted after a very long week, and it's not just because I worked the last six days straight in the ER.  And truthfully, I couldn't be happier!

The fab hubby and I decided to burn through some of those UNITED AIRLINES miles we'd been racking up over the years, opting to fly the big kiddos from Ohio to me in California last weekend (remember...they evac'd outta Cairo on the 4th of July).  Ohio is our [taxable] "home of residence," and the fab hubby and the kiddos had been catching up with family there for the previous two weeks.  

Of course, the evacuation changed everything we'd been planning for the last six months.  The fab hubby's PCS to Washington, D.C. was accelerated by a month and now starts at the beginning of August instead of September.  Unfortunately, since I was unable to leave Cali early due to my upcoming military orders, we were sort of in a bind trying to figure out what to do with the kidlets for the remaining summer (all of August!!).

Not to worry though! Because, of course it's a super small FS world out there.  Last summer we had sponsored an arriving family at the Embassy and that family and our family became fast friends --- all of us, adults and kids alike.  Well, that family recently PCS'd to Camp Pendleton here in SoCal. After a quick text to my girlfriend there, we actually had the plan in place before the kids even hit U.S. soil from Egypt.  I couldn't be more grateful, as she had also watched out for my kids in Egypt all during the six months of my absence.  Really, how do you say thank you to someone who loved on your kids and treated them as if they were her own?

And now, suddenly our kids are slated to have an awesome summer.  Earlier this week, I dropped Owen and Abby off in Camp Pendleton to hang with these besties and they'll be headed to surf camp later in the month with them.  SURF CAMP.  When just three weeks earlier they were stuck in Cairo watching the world around them collapse.  So happy to have my kids happy again.

And speaking of HAPPY!  I had the best three day long weekend with the big kidlets before I dropped them off with our friends.  Now, I'm simply going to let the pictures do the talking.  It.Was.Amazing.  (And yes, I managed not to cry when they emerged from the airplane.)

New scooters!  And riding in downtown Long Beach.

A boy and his dog reunited.

Riding the waves.  It was an overcast weekend.  But they still
loved playing in the ocean.

So awesome.

Definitely my favorite picture of the weekend.
She's always been a California girl.

Sweet treat at one of our favorite bakeries in Belmont Shore.

Took the kiddos to the lego exhibit at The Science Discovery Center in Santa Ana.
Owen tells me he's a tween and that he doesn't smile for pictures.
Whatever.  I still totally adore him.

Science Center fun.  Owen didn't realize I caught him smiling!

She adores her brother.  He kinda adores her, too.

Scowl away, broody tween.  In just a few years you'll have your own
Facebook account and I'm going to tag you on EVERY SINGLE scowling
photo you take.  You've been warned.

Still missing The Toddler so much!  But he's obviously not suffering.
Here he is at my parent's house.  (Don't worry - he's not driving this thing!)
He'll be hanging with both my parents and the fab hubby's parents for
the next few weeks.  He's definitely getting loved and spoiled!

  

My summer's not so bad now any more.  But a BFF Frap
always makes things even better.

Got this on my shoulder the week after the evacuation.  "Wanderlust" with five
birds, one for each of us in our family.  Because even with all the crazy, we
absolutely love what we do and look forward to more.

The kids and their besties.  ALL SIX OF THEM together for nearly three
weeks!  Our friends are super amazing for letting our two big kid hang
out for so long!  Surf camp for all these munchkins in two weeks!

Life Keeps Moving Forward

Time flies.  Even when you're not always having fun.  I've been separated from my family now for about six weeks, and I swear it seems like I just got here.

That's a good thing.  Because the faster time goes, the sooner I'll see them.

And it's not that I'm NOT having a good time - it's just lonely sometimes.  I see something cool, I go somewhere special, I discover something new.  And I want to share it with the fab hubby or the kiddos.  But I won't get that chance anytime soon.  Four and a half months to go.

But it IS awesome here.  I live a mere two blocks from the beach and most everything I need is within walking distance.  Long Beach is pet friendly, and I walk my fav pooch everywhere.  She's actually a good companion.

I never grow weary of the sunset at the beach.  Never.  And I find myself drawn there frequently, taking a moment to breathe in the salty air and feel the cool breeze on my face.  My Facebook profile is loaded with terrible amateur photo shots of sunsets.  I can't help myself.  I see it and I want to savor it.

Sunset over the pier at Seal Beach.

Really.  I can't help myself.  And these photos are awful.  But I love it here.

Check out the fav pooch's swagger.
Starbuck strutting her stuff.

I hate that I'm missing out on so much with the kiddos and the fab hubby.  I struggle between guilt and sadness each time I talk to them.  And yet, the kiddos are doing just fine.  I think we don't give kids enough credit.  They manage their emotions pretty well.  The older ones tell me when they are feeling sad and they keep me updated on what's going on at school and with their friends.  Kellen pops in and out on FaceTime with a hearty "HI MOMMA!" and then goes back to his toys.  Sometimes, he'll kiss the screen.  That's a bit heartbreaking, but he seems to enjoy talking on FaceTime, so I try not to worry too much about him.

Some dear friends in Cairo have been making sure I'm getting glimpses into the daily life of the kiddos:

Kellen swiped a piece of cake from a nearby party at the Maadi House.

The big kiddos at International Day at their school.

Abby at Kid's Day.  Love her smile.

Owen has been begging us for a cat.  Here's his little rescue cat, Boots.

Ok, this is an older photo, but I miss them so much.  Two of my favorite men.

Yup. This is an older photo, too.  But I can't
wait to see the fab hubby again.

In other news, I had to have a tooth removed and a bone graft placed in my jaw.  To make a horrific story short, the tooth had been damaged from years ago - likely from the palate extender/braces combo I endured in my late teens (no complaints, though - the braces took care of seriously crooked teeth).  Thankfully, I was knocked out for the dental surgery.  It took about 1 1/2 hours for the surgeon to remove the molar and place some bone that will become the anchor for the implant surgery I'll do in early 2014.  Not fun. Although the drugs.  The drugs are fun.  The anesthesia-induced dreams were super groovy, and I although I attempted to go to work the next day, I lost that battle as I nearly passed out when standing on my feet.  No worries, though; I went home and slept for 15 hours and indulged in an ice cream dinner.

Post-dental surgery dinner of champions.

And finally.  The topic I've been trying to avoid.  My arthritis.

Yesterday, I went to Cedars Sinai Rheumatology Clinic and met with an awesome Rheumatologist.  She and I poured over my blood results and X-rays; she did a thorough physical assessment, looking at my hands, the deformed left pinky finger, and my painful feet.  I was all ready to go on a medication regiment.  In November, when I was diagnosed,  it had looked like it was likely early Rheumatoid Arthritis.  The inflammation, the early-morning stiffness in my small joints.  But my blood work was negative.  She was glad I wasn't on any medication - because the medication for RA is not appropriate for my arthritis.

Diagnosis?  Inflammatory/Erosive Osteoarthritis.  Typically, osteoarthritis is a non-inflammatory process, attributed to years of wear and tear on joints (like knees and hips).  But there is a subset of osteoarthritis that has an inflammatory component - and that's what I have.  It doesn't respond well to any meds, and the course of action is kindness to my joints and pain management. Some fingers already have lost cartilage and are bone on bone.  My feet likely as well.  She recommended I find exercise other than running (umm....sure), and gave me some ideas on natural remedies.  But the deformities will continue and there is little that can be done about it.

I dunno what to say at this point. Sure, I'm thankful it's not RA. RA can affect the body in multi-systemic ways.  BUT at the same time I am ANGRY.  There's no real treatment?  No possible medication to slow down the erosion of my joints?  I'm only 37 years old.  By the time I'm 80, what will my hands look like?  Will I even be able to use them??  And there's not much I can do to stop the process.  Maybe only slow it down.

The doctor was kind and answered all of my questions.  I'm doing a follow-up appointment with her in July.

I left in a bit of a stupor.  I was all ready to start a medication regiment and it's not even an option.  I made my way to the beach; I always feel safe there.  I took a nap and did some thinking, listening to the waves crash across the sand.

I don't know what's in store for me.  I feel helpless and pushed up against a wall with little course of action and no options.

Give up running?  Will it even help? Maybe.  Maybe not.

So for now, I refuse to think too much about it.  I won't let it own me.  I won't let it define me.

I am a runner.  Maybe I'm just meant to be a slower runner, shorter distances. Someone who takes the time to stop and walk and take in the view during a run.

Weight loss.  Yeah.  This is a touchy subject.  I've gained a LOT of weight since November when I was diagnosed.  I fell into a bit of depression with the arthritis and I let it push me around.  No more.  Weight loss will help alleviate the wear on my large joints and on my feet.

Yoga.  I do like yoga.  And I've joined a hot yoga studio.  It definitely helps my joints.

That's it for now.  Three things to focus on. Safe/shorter distances when running (Although I am signed up for a 1/2 marathon in May.  It will likely be my last.)  Weight loss.  Yoga.

I know in the near future, I'm going to need to address some other issues with the arthritis.  But for now, this will have to do.  I still need time to process it and accept it.

For now, this sums it up.

Bittersweet

Not quite two weeks ago, after 19 long hours of travel, one episode of puking (weird, because I've never puked on a plane before, but whatever), and carrying one very crazy, little psychotic dog, I arrived rumpled and exhausted in Los Angeles.  My first memory of arriving back in the good old U.S.A.?  Standing in Customs with some old dude with a generic Euro accent saying "Zee should not allow such creeeetures as zat on board zee aeroplane!", pointing at my ridiculous pooch in my carry-on bag.  Jerk.

Surprisingly, all my flights went exactly as planned.  I fully attribute that to NOT fly UNITED AIRLINES or any of its codeshare flights.  Thank you Delta and KLM as it's codeshare.  My flights were AWESOME (except for the puking and the old mean dude), and all, yes folks! ALL of my luggage arrived with me in LAX.

BFF Iced Latte at LAX.  And my luggage.
You know, the important stuff!

I grabbed a BFF Latte at the airport Starbucks and hopped the Super Shuttle to a car dealership in Beverly Hills where I purchased - wait for it! - a really ugly minivan.  Momma has to have some wheels!  And while I'd prefer the luxury of a kick-ass beautiful SUV, I decided to take one for the family team and get the vehicle that will comfortably hold all the kids when we're reunited in August.  I'll live.

From there, I immediately drove to the closest In-and-Out Burger.  It's been three very long and painful years, and the reunion was glorious!  If you've ever eaten In-and-Out, then I know you understand.  And if you haven't, then I have nothing but condolences for you.  Get out to the West Coast NOW!

Now, this is where things get really crazy.  The day I arrived in Cali, I got word from the hospital I was supposed to start working at the following week that they wanted me to start the very next day if I was available.  Unfortunately, I hadn't yet been to my apartment and I needed to buy furniture, so I told them I couldn't start the next day, but that I'd be available to start the day after that.  TWO DAYS!

Ugly minivan.  But the BFF Latte approves.

So the next morning, I went to LabCorp for my work-required urine toxicology (I've done this test so many times for the military and every hospital I've ever worked for that I can honestly pee on command). And then I went to my new home.  After scouring through Craig's List the entire previous month, I had settled on living in downtown Long Beach.  The hospital I work for is just a little north of Long Beach, but I really wanted to be by the ocean.  I was super lucky and found a pet-friendly apartment building just two blocks from the ocean! With easy access to the freeway!  And it only costs double what our mortgage is in Ohio.  Dude.  Really. It's so easy to forget how expensive it is to live out here.  But, whatever.  It's perfect.  It's not awesome --- the building is a "charming 1920's" complex (translation - a little run-down) --- but it's in a cool location (Long Beach Arts District), with a Starbucks around the corner (BINGO!), and I have access to a parking garage for my mad minivan.  

I unpacked my bags in my apartment and headed out to the mecca of all home stores - Ikea.  I picked up the items I needed and then headed out to the other mecca, Target!, to grab a few items for my teeny tiny kitchen.  I went back and fixed up the apartment, took Starbuck for a much-deserved walk along the beach, and then crashed for the night.

Because the very next morning at 6AM I was in the ER working my first big-girl RN shift!   Oh, it's been a long, long time since I'd had to spend an entire day on my feet!  Initially I was to work 12 hours, but at the end of my shift, I offered to stay over since we were short-staffed.  I put in 16 hours that day and then went home.  Took the pup for a walk and then slept like I've never slept before.

YUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUM!!!

I worked the next two days.  Had a day off.  And then worked the next five days.  WOWSA!  It's been a whirlwind.  On the bright side, I never really got the chance to be jet-lagged, even though it's a 10-hour difference from Cairo.  Also, I can't even begin to express how wonderful it is being back in the same ER I worked in 2009-2010.  Most of the staff is still the same, and being here with friends I've missed has been incredible.

FaceTime has been absolutely the best.  Nearly every day I get to "see" the kiddos.  Both of the big kids have iPads, and they can reach me anytime they want.  It's very comforting.  Our middlest, Abby, has no real concept of the time difference between Cairo and here, and so nearly every morning at 5AM, when she's getting off the bus in Cairo at 3PM, she calls me.  I love it.  Even if I'm trying to sleep.  The toddler?  He blows me kisses and says "hi, Mamma!" and then runs off to play.  He's doing ok.  And Owen, the tween, he tries to act cool, but I know he's missing me and he likes that he can reach me anytime he wants.

It's really bittersweet being here. This was once our home - to all of us. Today I took the pup to the dog beach - the same beach that the fab hubby and I used to bring our dog Rusty to play at.  I cruised through Belmont Shore, remembering all the places we used to meet up for lunch.  And I've spent some time across the bridge in San Pedro where we used to live.  I visited old haunts, like the Tide Pools in San Pedro where the big kiddos spent countless hours looking for sea creatures while I sat and listened to the waves crashing on the rocks.  I ate lunch at our favorite chinese restaurant.  I shopped at the local Trader Joe's.  I was pregnant with Kellen here; I ran my 1/2 marathon in 2010 before I found out I was pregnant with him in Huntington Beach.  All these places have special meaning and I just wish all of us were here, together.

I ran along my favorite bike/run trail in Alamitos Beach today, and as I watched kids frolicking into the water and riding the waves, I tried not to let it break my heart.  My Abby and Owen used to do that.  No matter how cold the ocean water was, they'd run into the waves and ride them back to shore.  We spent so many weekends here.  It was our special place.

I know the next five-and-a-half months are going to be tough without them.  But I'll get through it.  Actually, all of us will.  And even though it's heartbreakingly bittersweet, I'm thankful to be in a place that I love with such good memories.  

Me and my favorite pooch, Starbuck.

The Fav Pooch and the BFF Latte.

Tide Pools of San Pedro.  The big kiddos used to play here.

Sunset over the Tide Pools.  Magnificent.

Little trip down memory lane.
San Pedro Tide Pools, New Years Day 2010.

With our dog Rusty.  We miss him.

Why Now? And Geeze the Toddler Turns TWO!

It took me three years.

In summer 2009, we were living in Los Angeles where the fab hubby was first assigned.  I love L.A., pretty much more than any place I've ever been.  The weather is nearly always perfect and we were fortunate enough to live close to the ocean in San Pedro (near the Port of L.A.).  Every day before my ER shift (I worked afternoons 11a-11p), I would stop by Starbucks, grab a latte, and head to the shoreline.  I'd run a fabulous 4 miles or so, sit and watch the ships weave in and out of port while drinking my latte and enjoying the smell of the salty air.  Then I'd head home for a quick shower before starting my workday.

It was that year that I truly began to love running.  I'd been dabbling in running off and on for years; first when I joined the Army in college, later as I tried to get in shape after popping out the first kid.  But I never really enjoyed it as much as I began to the year we lived in L.A.  Owen was five year old and Abby was three years old (and having baby #3 wasn't even a thought in our mind that summer). I could no longer claim 'new baby' as the reason I was out of shape.  It was the perfect time to dedicate some time to run and take care of myself.

It was that summer that I wrote out a personal goal and posted it on Facebook (remember when you could write "notes" on Facebook?).  I was going to run a marathon!  I had all the time in the world to train.  No newborn to keep me up all night.  A good work schedule and childcare.  Perfect weather with a perfect ocean view.  Yes.  A marathon.

And then my doubting brain took over.  I looked at training schedules.  16, 18, 20, 22 mile training runs? Heck.  I couldn't even fathom 10 mile runs.  FIVE MONTHS of commitment to train?  And even then, what if I didn't finish??!!

I backed out of the dream almost as soon as I posted my goal out loud.  Thankfully, I didn't give up on running though - because by then I absolutely I loved it.  I ran two half marathons while we lived there.  One in Malibu in October 2009 (and it was a beautiful coastal view) and one in Huntington Beach in February 2010 (also coastal and oh-so-beautiful).  A week after my half marathon in Huntington Beach, I found out I was pregnant.  A month later we returned to Ohio, the fab hubby went to D.C. for training and then on to Baghdad for a year.

My running buddy.
He's about 7 months old here.
BTW, this kid ran his first race in utero.  

Our son Kellen was born on October 20, 2010 (Two years ago! Oh My Gosh!  He's two today!!).  Just five weeks later, with newborn in stroller, and latte in hand, I hit the trails and began running again.  Soon I was up to three miles as he slept in the stroller.  I again began to dream about running longer distances - but honestly, even a half marathon seemed unlikely.  Three kids in tow, hubby in Baghdad, part-time job in the ER, and the weather in Ohio wasn't exactly accommodating.  I hardly even dared to think the word marathon - I *knew* it was impossible.

The fab hubby returned home from Baghdad in July 2011, and I was able to get a bit more mileage in.  Just before we left for Cairo the following month, I ran a 10K.  It was a great run but exhausting.  I couldn't believe the toll just a 10K could do.  I ached everywhere - knees, hips, calves.  I guess it was also time to admit that I was a bit older and, after three kids, my body wasn't exactly what it used to be.

So true.

Cairo has definitely been a challenge for running.  Minimal green space, terrible traffic, aggressive street dogs, and of course the hot desert climate.  I ran off and on after arriving here, but with a full-time job and trying to adjust to a new country while also staying sane with three kids, I felt something had to give.  I started to give up on running.  At one point, I even considered quitting running forever.  Thankfully, the fab hubby was super fabulous and convinced me otherwise.  So I kept running.

Then, just a month later, I got an email from Nike about the 2012 Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco.  Slated for October 14th, I toyed around with the idea.  Five months to train.  But all those obstacles...Cairo.  A toddler who wasn't sleeping well (and hence, neither was I).  Going to the U.S. for R&R in July.  Full-time job.  Fitting in my annual Army Reserves training. Not to mention San Francisco was a 17-hour trip.  With a 9-hour time zone difference.

Why now?  Why not wait a few more years?  The toddler would be older.  Maybe we'd be living in a running-friendly country.  Maybe I'd have more time.  Heck.  Even when I'd had more time three years ago, I hadn't done it.  Why now?

I couldn't shake it.  I had said it in 2009, and it still followed me.  If I don't do it NOW, maybe I'll never do it?  I want to run a marathon just once in my life.  I want to know I can do it.  Signing up for it was scary.  Once my fee was paid (it was hefty - $200), air flights scheduled, and a hotel booked, ALL OF WHICH WERE NON-REFUNDABLE, I was locked in.

But here's the thing.  All those obstacles - - the toddler, the kids, the job, the lack of green space, impending jet lag --- they aren't what really mattered.  What really were the issues were the doubts in my head.  What if I don't finish?  What if I CAN'T finish? Those were the ones that were truly holding me back.

One other real obstacle?  Committing myself to the time to run.  Committing myself to running instead of say, going out to lunch with friends, or dinner or the movies or even just hanging out with the kids and the hubby on a Saturday evening.  Most training schedules recommend running 4 - 5 times per week with at least one long run of 20-22 miles.  I knew I would only be able to run 3 - 4 times per week.  And I would only be able to get one long run of 18 miles completed just two weeks before my marathon.  But that was ok.  Because it had to be.

I should have done it in 2009 when we were living in Los Angeles and I honestly had the time to do it!  But back then, my fear of not finishing got the better of me.  So here I am three years later.  Technically at a busier, crazier time than it was then.

And I just ran a marathon.

It wasn't easy.  And honestly, I can't say I'll ever do it again.

The first 20 miles?  They were easy.  The last 6.2?  The most painful, most challenging 6.2 miles I've ever done.  I called the fab hubby at mile 20 when things were looking rough.  He and the kids cheered me on.  And he told me that he never doubted once that I would finish.

The cool thing?  I actually didn't doubt myself either.  It was hard; it felt impossible!  But it wasn't impossible, I kept telling myself.  I wasn't going to stop.  One foot in front of the other.  Keep moving forward.  Don't look back.

5 hours.  38 minutes.  41 seconds.

Nike makes it easy for me to be cheesy.

Post race.  Wearing the new bling.

San Francisco firemen in tuxedos passed out
the necklaces at the finish line off of
silver platters.  It was a nice touch.

And now for a sweet trip down memory lane.  Happy Birthday to our youngest, Kellen! He's two!  I know.  Every one says this - time sure does fly.  It seems like just yesterday I was this...

38 weeks pregnant with Kellen.  He was 8 pounds 8 oz at birth!

And he was really tiny (in comparison to now), like this...

One week old.

And I always love to put him in ridiculous shirts.  Like this...

You know this little dude is gonna love Starbucks, right?

Simply because this is amusing...

 He's always been bigger than the dog.

I hate first birthdays.  So messy.  Like this...

First birthday!  Finally.  He grew some hair!

And next thing you know, we've got a toddler. Dang.  He's cute!

This past spring.  He suddenly morphed into a toddler!

With Daddy.  Matching blue eyes.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Kellen!