Life Keeps Moving Forward

Time flies.  Even when you're not always having fun.  I've been separated from my family now for about six weeks, and I swear it seems like I just got here.

That's a good thing.  Because the faster time goes, the sooner I'll see them.

And it's not that I'm NOT having a good time - it's just lonely sometimes.  I see something cool, I go somewhere special, I discover something new.  And I want to share it with the fab hubby or the kiddos.  But I won't get that chance anytime soon.  Four and a half months to go.

But it IS awesome here.  I live a mere two blocks from the beach and most everything I need is within walking distance.  Long Beach is pet friendly, and I walk my fav pooch everywhere.  She's actually a good companion.

I never grow weary of the sunset at the beach.  Never.  And I find myself drawn there frequently, taking a moment to breathe in the salty air and feel the cool breeze on my face.  My Facebook profile is loaded with terrible amateur photo shots of sunsets.  I can't help myself.  I see it and I want to savor it.

Sunset over the pier at Seal Beach.

Really.  I can't help myself.  And these photos are awful.  But I love it here.

Check out the fav pooch's swagger.
Starbuck strutting her stuff.

I hate that I'm missing out on so much with the kiddos and the fab hubby.  I struggle between guilt and sadness each time I talk to them.  And yet, the kiddos are doing just fine.  I think we don't give kids enough credit.  They manage their emotions pretty well.  The older ones tell me when they are feeling sad and they keep me updated on what's going on at school and with their friends.  Kellen pops in and out on FaceTime with a hearty "HI MOMMA!" and then goes back to his toys.  Sometimes, he'll kiss the screen.  That's a bit heartbreaking, but he seems to enjoy talking on FaceTime, so I try not to worry too much about him.

Some dear friends in Cairo have been making sure I'm getting glimpses into the daily life of the kiddos:

Kellen swiped a piece of cake from a nearby party at the Maadi House.

The big kiddos at International Day at their school.

Abby at Kid's Day.  Love her smile.

Owen has been begging us for a cat.  Here's his little rescue cat, Boots.

Ok, this is an older photo, but I miss them so much.  Two of my favorite men.

Yup. This is an older photo, too.  But I can't
wait to see the fab hubby again.

In other news, I had to have a tooth removed and a bone graft placed in my jaw.  To make a horrific story short, the tooth had been damaged from years ago - likely from the palate extender/braces combo I endured in my late teens (no complaints, though - the braces took care of seriously crooked teeth).  Thankfully, I was knocked out for the dental surgery.  It took about 1 1/2 hours for the surgeon to remove the molar and place some bone that will become the anchor for the implant surgery I'll do in early 2014.  Not fun. Although the drugs.  The drugs are fun.  The anesthesia-induced dreams were super groovy, and I although I attempted to go to work the next day, I lost that battle as I nearly passed out when standing on my feet.  No worries, though; I went home and slept for 15 hours and indulged in an ice cream dinner.

Post-dental surgery dinner of champions.

And finally.  The topic I've been trying to avoid.  My arthritis.

Yesterday, I went to Cedars Sinai Rheumatology Clinic and met with an awesome Rheumatologist.  She and I poured over my blood results and X-rays; she did a thorough physical assessment, looking at my hands, the deformed left pinky finger, and my painful feet.  I was all ready to go on a medication regiment.  In November, when I was diagnosed,  it had looked like it was likely early Rheumatoid Arthritis.  The inflammation, the early-morning stiffness in my small joints.  But my blood work was negative.  She was glad I wasn't on any medication - because the medication for RA is not appropriate for my arthritis.

Diagnosis?  Inflammatory/Erosive Osteoarthritis.  Typically, osteoarthritis is a non-inflammatory process, attributed to years of wear and tear on joints (like knees and hips).  But there is a subset of osteoarthritis that has an inflammatory component - and that's what I have.  It doesn't respond well to any meds, and the course of action is kindness to my joints and pain management. Some fingers already have lost cartilage and are bone on bone.  My feet likely as well.  She recommended I find exercise other than running (umm....sure), and gave me some ideas on natural remedies.  But the deformities will continue and there is little that can be done about it.

I dunno what to say at this point. Sure, I'm thankful it's not RA. RA can affect the body in multi-systemic ways.  BUT at the same time I am ANGRY.  There's no real treatment?  No possible medication to slow down the erosion of my joints?  I'm only 37 years old.  By the time I'm 80, what will my hands look like?  Will I even be able to use them??  And there's not much I can do to stop the process.  Maybe only slow it down.

The doctor was kind and answered all of my questions.  I'm doing a follow-up appointment with her in July.

I left in a bit of a stupor.  I was all ready to start a medication regiment and it's not even an option.  I made my way to the beach; I always feel safe there.  I took a nap and did some thinking, listening to the waves crash across the sand.

I don't know what's in store for me.  I feel helpless and pushed up against a wall with little course of action and no options.

Give up running?  Will it even help? Maybe.  Maybe not.

So for now, I refuse to think too much about it.  I won't let it own me.  I won't let it define me.

I am a runner.  Maybe I'm just meant to be a slower runner, shorter distances. Someone who takes the time to stop and walk and take in the view during a run.

Weight loss.  Yeah.  This is a touchy subject.  I've gained a LOT of weight since November when I was diagnosed.  I fell into a bit of depression with the arthritis and I let it push me around.  No more.  Weight loss will help alleviate the wear on my large joints and on my feet.

Yoga.  I do like yoga.  And I've joined a hot yoga studio.  It definitely helps my joints.

That's it for now.  Three things to focus on. Safe/shorter distances when running (Although I am signed up for a 1/2 marathon in May.  It will likely be my last.)  Weight loss.  Yoga.

I know in the near future, I'm going to need to address some other issues with the arthritis.  But for now, this will have to do.  I still need time to process it and accept it.

For now, this sums it up.

Bittersweet

Not quite two weeks ago, after 19 long hours of travel, one episode of puking (weird, because I've never puked on a plane before, but whatever), and carrying one very crazy, little psychotic dog, I arrived rumpled and exhausted in Los Angeles.  My first memory of arriving back in the good old U.S.A.?  Standing in Customs with some old dude with a generic Euro accent saying "Zee should not allow such creeeetures as zat on board zee aeroplane!", pointing at my ridiculous pooch in my carry-on bag.  Jerk.

Surprisingly, all my flights went exactly as planned.  I fully attribute that to NOT fly UNITED AIRLINES or any of its codeshare flights.  Thank you Delta and KLM as it's codeshare.  My flights were AWESOME (except for the puking and the old mean dude), and all, yes folks! ALL of my luggage arrived with me in LAX.

BFF Iced Latte at LAX.  And my luggage.
You know, the important stuff!

I grabbed a BFF Latte at the airport Starbucks and hopped the Super Shuttle to a car dealership in Beverly Hills where I purchased - wait for it! - a really ugly minivan.  Momma has to have some wheels!  And while I'd prefer the luxury of a kick-ass beautiful SUV, I decided to take one for the family team and get the vehicle that will comfortably hold all the kids when we're reunited in August.  I'll live.

From there, I immediately drove to the closest In-and-Out Burger.  It's been three very long and painful years, and the reunion was glorious!  If you've ever eaten In-and-Out, then I know you understand.  And if you haven't, then I have nothing but condolences for you.  Get out to the West Coast NOW!

Now, this is where things get really crazy.  The day I arrived in Cali, I got word from the hospital I was supposed to start working at the following week that they wanted me to start the very next day if I was available.  Unfortunately, I hadn't yet been to my apartment and I needed to buy furniture, so I told them I couldn't start the next day, but that I'd be available to start the day after that.  TWO DAYS!

Ugly minivan.  But the BFF Latte approves.

So the next morning, I went to LabCorp for my work-required urine toxicology (I've done this test so many times for the military and every hospital I've ever worked for that I can honestly pee on command). And then I went to my new home.  After scouring through Craig's List the entire previous month, I had settled on living in downtown Long Beach.  The hospital I work for is just a little north of Long Beach, but I really wanted to be by the ocean.  I was super lucky and found a pet-friendly apartment building just two blocks from the ocean! With easy access to the freeway!  And it only costs double what our mortgage is in Ohio.  Dude.  Really. It's so easy to forget how expensive it is to live out here.  But, whatever.  It's perfect.  It's not awesome --- the building is a "charming 1920's" complex (translation - a little run-down) --- but it's in a cool location (Long Beach Arts District), with a Starbucks around the corner (BINGO!), and I have access to a parking garage for my mad minivan.  

I unpacked my bags in my apartment and headed out to the mecca of all home stores - Ikea.  I picked up the items I needed and then headed out to the other mecca, Target!, to grab a few items for my teeny tiny kitchen.  I went back and fixed up the apartment, took Starbuck for a much-deserved walk along the beach, and then crashed for the night.

Because the very next morning at 6AM I was in the ER working my first big-girl RN shift!   Oh, it's been a long, long time since I'd had to spend an entire day on my feet!  Initially I was to work 12 hours, but at the end of my shift, I offered to stay over since we were short-staffed.  I put in 16 hours that day and then went home.  Took the pup for a walk and then slept like I've never slept before.

YUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUMYUM!!!

I worked the next two days.  Had a day off.  And then worked the next five days.  WOWSA!  It's been a whirlwind.  On the bright side, I never really got the chance to be jet-lagged, even though it's a 10-hour difference from Cairo.  Also, I can't even begin to express how wonderful it is being back in the same ER I worked in 2009-2010.  Most of the staff is still the same, and being here with friends I've missed has been incredible.

FaceTime has been absolutely the best.  Nearly every day I get to "see" the kiddos.  Both of the big kids have iPads, and they can reach me anytime they want.  It's very comforting.  Our middlest, Abby, has no real concept of the time difference between Cairo and here, and so nearly every morning at 5AM, when she's getting off the bus in Cairo at 3PM, she calls me.  I love it.  Even if I'm trying to sleep.  The toddler?  He blows me kisses and says "hi, Mamma!" and then runs off to play.  He's doing ok.  And Owen, the tween, he tries to act cool, but I know he's missing me and he likes that he can reach me anytime he wants.

It's really bittersweet being here. This was once our home - to all of us. Today I took the pup to the dog beach - the same beach that the fab hubby and I used to bring our dog Rusty to play at.  I cruised through Belmont Shore, remembering all the places we used to meet up for lunch.  And I've spent some time across the bridge in San Pedro where we used to live.  I visited old haunts, like the Tide Pools in San Pedro where the big kiddos spent countless hours looking for sea creatures while I sat and listened to the waves crashing on the rocks.  I ate lunch at our favorite chinese restaurant.  I shopped at the local Trader Joe's.  I was pregnant with Kellen here; I ran my 1/2 marathon in 2010 before I found out I was pregnant with him in Huntington Beach.  All these places have special meaning and I just wish all of us were here, together.

I ran along my favorite bike/run trail in Alamitos Beach today, and as I watched kids frolicking into the water and riding the waves, I tried not to let it break my heart.  My Abby and Owen used to do that.  No matter how cold the ocean water was, they'd run into the waves and ride them back to shore.  We spent so many weekends here.  It was our special place.

I know the next five-and-a-half months are going to be tough without them.  But I'll get through it.  Actually, all of us will.  And even though it's heartbreakingly bittersweet, I'm thankful to be in a place that I love with such good memories.  

Me and my favorite pooch, Starbuck.

The Fav Pooch and the BFF Latte.

Tide Pools of San Pedro.  The big kiddos used to play here.

Sunset over the Tide Pools.  Magnificent.

Little trip down memory lane.
San Pedro Tide Pools, New Years Day 2010.

With our dog Rusty.  We miss him.

Owen Does It Again

He has this special way every year of simply turning one year older and making me feel soooo much older.  Ten.  He's ten!  How is it possible that our firstborn is suddenly TEN!?

Minecraft. Legos. Books. Swimming. Playing with friends. Climbing trees. Exploring.  Drawing. Teaching his toddler brother.

Playing Minecraft with a buddy.

Those are the things Owen is made of.

Big heart. Smart. Funny. Easy-going. Loving. Loyal to his friends.

Those are the things Owen is also made of.

Maybe I'm a bit partial.  But I think he's the coolest ten year old in the world.  Time has flown.  He was just a baby, I swear!  I remember rocking him, holding him, singing him songs.  I remember teaching him the ABCs and watching that special twinkle in his eyes when he'd find something new and exciting.

I still see the twinkle.

Suddenly a tween.  No longer a kid.  Finding his own way, his path, his passion for life.  I'm still marveled by him every day.

Happy Birthday, Owen.  We love you so very, very much.

Our avid climber!

One awesome explorer.