The Wandering Drays: May 2015

Family selfie at Harpers Ferry, WV.

The fab hubby left for Iraq two weeks ago. Yeah, I've been avoiding writing. For MONTHS. Because I just wasn't ready to put it into words. Avoidance is a game I play all too often.

It's hard to identify that point when I mentally checked out from admitting it. And it happened long before he even left for Baghdad.

"THIS TIME it will be different," I lied to myself, fulling knowing I was lying to myself.

"THIS TIME it will be easier," I lied to myself. Because, you know. We've done it before and we're used to it.

"THIS TIME I won't dwell on him leaving; I'll enjoy the time we have," I lied to myself. Knowing that even though I would indeed enjoy the time together, I would still be fretting over his leaving.

THIS TIME.

Well. This time sucks as much as the last time. And it doesn't matter how much we do this, it never seems to get easier, no matter how familiar it is.

But I avoided it -- as evidenced by my clear lack of writing for the last five months. I put on that smile; that brave face; I told myself I was too busy to write, too busy to admit that this sh*t is real. It's easier to avoid it than to confront it. Because we DO know what we're doing, we DO know that we'll get through this, we DO know that our relationship and our family is stronger than the gaping physical distance between us. We have friends and family who love us and support us. I have a job that allows me to work AND be there for the kids. Win. Win. Win. Right?

Of course, the Fab Hubby knew I was all about not admitting anything sucks. Hiding. Avoiding. Deflecting. Redirecting. He tried to get me to talk about it; I discounted his concern. All those generic phrases I use come back to me in short snippets. "I'm fine." "I'm not worried." "This won't be so bad." He knew I was lying to him and to myself. But of course, in his fabulousness, he didn't push the issue. Because he knew that at some point I'd be back at my desk writing it all out, realizing I had mentally checked out during those months leading up to his Baghdad date, and that I'd be peeved at myself for having so easily allowed myself to do so.

When he was asked to arrive to Baghdad a month earlier (May instead of June), we agreed -- better to get it going than to wait around for it. I personally figured that's one less month of dread. But suddenly, we had 5 weekends left, and so much to do. A long weekend with friends, a couple days for us without kids, some family and friends visiting --- all of it needed to be done in so little time! And of course, there's UAB packout and all the great goodness that goes along with that. Thankfully, I wasn't directly involved with it, with the exception of "Honey! Do you know where my {insert obscure item name} is??!!" For the record, I NEVER know where those obscure items are.

Suddenly, I could really justify the "I'm too busy!" to blog about his prep for Iraq. Or our awesome weekend to the mountains of Virginia with friends. Heck, I'd already missed blogging about The Tween turning 12 and flying (Solo!) to Louisiana to see his bestie. I'd neglected to write about Abby turing double digits in March! With the accelerated leaving-for-Baghdad date, I could justify any "too busy" I needed to. Which just allowed me to avoid avoid AVOID my feelings about the whole "WE'RE DOING ANOTHER UNACCOMPANIED ASSIGNMENT!" Again.

So yeah. Here I am. Looking back on the last few months and hating myself for falling into that trap.

Things that suck about this separation? Already truly knowing how difficult it is to be apart, but knowing that this chosen (and completely voluntary on our part!) assignment works best for our family for what we need right now. We've moved every one to two years for the last six years. This year that he's spending in Iraq allows the kids to complete a third year in a school without being moved. This was (is!) really important to us. And hopefully, this unaccompanied assignment will push the biding gods toward being kind to us {Because yo! Bidding for summer 2016 is upon us very, very soon!} It sucks that such an assignment is honestly the best choice for us for right now.

Other things that suck? The guilt that goes along with my so easily being able to switch over to solo-parent-Heather mode. We've done so much time apart (whether it be short TDYs or his previous one-year assignment in Baghdad in 2010 or my 6-months in California in 2013) that we know how to survive on our own. And, guiltily, there are some things that I like about it. I like having the king size bed all to myself and stealing the fab hubby's body pillow and his t-shirts when he's away. There's way less laundry with one less adult. His alarm doesn't wake me in the morning (nor does his hitting the snooze button for the next 20 minutes). I can cook essentially the same four meals I like over and over and he won't be here to give me the stink eye, since he doesn't like repetitive meals. Or leftovers. Yeah. Stupid stuff like this makes me feel horribly guilty.

Other things that suck? The having to explain over and over and over again (with justification) about why the fab hubby is gone for a year. And the pitied looks I get from people when I mention it. Now, I know I don't have to justify our choices to others or even explain myself to them. But, well, it just seems like it happens all the time. I loathe it.

And of course, the big one. HE'S IN BAGHDAD and I'm not with him. It's tough on the kids and it's tough on me and yeah. I know it's tough on him.

Deep.Breath. I always feel better when I admit stuff like this.

But somehow I always end up in the trap of avoidance and fake tough faces. I want others to see me as the strong, supportive wife (because I am) and I don't want my weaknesses to show. I love our FS life in general, and I want to be positive about our experiences, even the difficult ones like this. My husband loves his job, including assignments in Baghdad, and well, this is just part of the job -- and we knew it going into this lifestyle.

So here we are. Only four years out from our last unaccompanied assignment (also Baghdad) and less than two years out from when I was on a nurse contract assignment in Los Angeles while the rest of my family was in Cairo.

I think maybe, one of the the hardest things for me is giving up the "normal". The nice, awesome, regular family normalness we had for the past couple years here in NoVA. It's been amazing and I am mourning the loss of normal. Of laundry and snooze alarms and dinner time and switching off who-helps-with-homework night. Of hanging out on the couch with the fab hubby after the kids have gone to bed to watch late-night TV and talk about our day. It's the daily stuff -- the regular life stuff -- that I miss so desperately when it's gone.

It's going to be a long, tough year. But I already knew it was going to be --- I just didn't want to admit it.

Some things I should have celebrated in writing long before I got to this point: